I will kill this too.

My dear friend Iris Parrish Stout gave me this lovely palm plant to thank me for the tea party we had in honor of her 100th birthday. When she dropped the plant off (it was a year ago) to my house she informed me that the plant was guaranteed for a year. She patted at her purse and told me she had the receipt and to let her know if I had any problems because we could return the plant. I chuckled to myself and thanked Iris for being so kind.

After she left it struck me how optimistic she was that if something happened to the plant in the next 365 days that she would still be alive and kicking to resolve the issue, and trust me she would resolve the issue. I guess in order to live to me 100 you must have a lot of optimism about the future.

Then I thought about the plant and how optimistic Iris was that I would not kill the plant in the next 365 days. Clearly my reputation for being a plant killer has not managed to float down the street to her house. Many a plant my sweet visiting teachers have given me only to return 30 days later and discover that I killed the plant off in short order. Yet they keep giving me plants. I guess they are optimistic that eventually I will be able to successfully care for a plant.

I know keeping a plant alive is not a difficult task, it is simply adequate sunlight, water and fertilizer. With all the plants I have killed it is a wonder that People for the Ethical Treatment of Plants does not have me as public enemy number one. I blame my insufficient gardening skills on my house. I have very few places in my house that I can put a plant where it can receive the natural sunlight necessary to sustain life. Those places where a plant can be placed to obtain adequate sunlight are far removed from a water source, which results in me forgetting to water the plant. Hence the vicious cycle of attempting to keep a plant alive.

I looked at the beautiful palm and pondered its future. The plant was fresh from the nursery, brimming with life and beauty. Not a brown leaf to be found, and bright green leaves. Could I balance the necessary water and light in order to ensure its survival? What will become of my fate if I kill the plant off? I am sure the one year warranty on the plant has an exclusion for owner neglect. Given my past plant history, should or rather when, the plant meets its bitter end, I am not about to inform Iris of its fate. The only logical solution to this problem is to buy a new plant prior to any visit from Iris. It will be nursery fresh, and she will think I have the greenest thumb on the block.

UPDATE: It has been a year since the receipt of said plant, and yes it met its demise. I managed to take a scant four months to kill the plant off. Good news, Iris hasn't asked, and I am not talking....