Critical Mass

So sorry if you had contact with me in the last 48 hours.....it probably was not a pleasant experience.

My life which usually runs on an insanity scale of about an 8 out of 10, reached a 10+++. Pretty much no one was safe from my wrath. My problem is I let things build up, and then it is usually something really minor causes a nuclear explosion, leaving those in the wake to wonder "really??"

The source of stress: a business deal I am working on. I am trying to buy something, that another individual is selling. We have been hammering out the details. I have been working feverishly for the last few weeks trying to pull this together. (You know like I don't have anything else in my life, like three kids, a full time job, a house to maintain, a church calling, Lauren's impending birthday....etc., if you read my blog you know....)

I have acted in good faith. I have done everything asked of me, in a timely manner I might add. This week I made a request of the seller, a request that was reasonable and not uncommon in this situation, and the seller said "no." It was the last straw, my very last nerve, and I lost it.

Completely, and entirely lost it. Told the seller my motivation to meet THEIR deadline, had come to a screeching halt. Told the seller I would complete our deal when I was good and ready to complete our deal, and that I might not even complete our deal, because they were not the only vendor of this product. I was MAD. I am still MAD. And quite frankly rightfully so. For a month now my stress level has reached unparalleled new heights, to the point that I am grinding my teeth at night and waking up unable to move my jaw or chew. Honestly I do not need this, them or their product in my life. Nothing is worth that kind of stress, especially in light of all the wonderful things I do have in my life.

Now combine that with work....usually my board has 3-4 difficult cases. This week 20 out of the 25 cases were difficult. As in mind numbingly difficult. I love my job, and it was just the roll of dice, you never know what a case is going to be like until you start digging in and working it. By the time I finished my board meeting yesterday I was completely spent.

So last night I decided to go to Relief Society. I thought with the rough two days I had that some spiritual enlightenment might ground me. The topic was "Where you heart is," something I thought would help me to refocus. Wrong. First we all HAD to divide into groups and do skits. I did not go to Relief Society to be participatory, I wanted to be feed. I had been WAY too participatory in the last two days, I needed to be FEED. After the skits, it was a lecture by the Relief Society president on how we spend our time, and all the things we SHOULD be doing. Great guilt to go along with all my stress.

Actually I did not feel guilty, it just ticked me off, because she has NO tolerance for anyone who choose to do things with their time different from how she would chose to spend her time. In her mind no matter what stage of life you are in you have time for missionary work, genealogy, etc., and the time I spend on the Internet reading blogs, connecting with friends on facebook, or relaxing is wasteful. So you know that experience I had on Monday night when I read a blog that helped me to clarify a spiritual issue I had been struggling with was a complete waste of time because I was not reading my scriptures, and nothing good can come from reading anything that is NOT published by Church. In fact I believe in her mind Deseret Book might be questionable.

So after telling us we do wasteful things with our time she then stated the name of a man and said he was in our ward. She asked the sisters who knew him to raise their hands. One sister raised her hand. A couple of other sisters after conferring with each other raised their hand and said they knew who he was. She then proceeded to tell us he has been attending our ward for three months, and has no family and very few friends, and that it was sad that so few sisters in the room knew who he was. In other word she was "shaming" those of us who did not raise our hands.

Then I got ticked off again. I don't have an elitist ward. Quite the contrary, my ward is very friendly. I can tell you names of every new sister in my ward in the last year. I can tell you something about them, because I have a conversation with EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. I am not alone. I have seen other sisters welcoming the new sisters.

What the Relief Society president failed to realize is the cultural realities of being Mormon. We as sisters seek after other sisters. We generally don't look around sacrament meeting checking out the men, and saying "I don't know that man, perhaps I should go introduce myself, and invite him to dinner." (Well at least if you are in a family ward, that is probably different in a singles ward!) Now if I found myself sitting next to a man I did not know in sunday school, or sacrament meeting or even at a ward function, I would most certainly introduce myself and inquire about him, but Mormon women in family wards, DON'T seek out men they don't know. Its simply not done in our culture. SO QUIT IMPOSING YOUR SHAME AND GUILT ON ME, and go leture the Priesthood about taking care of their own.

I think I will hide in a cave for the next few days, I am not fit for public consumption.